Let’s talk about relationships, not so much during, but the break up. I can’t talk much about the ending of one as I’m fortunate enough to have not experienced it however, I’ve experienced divorce.
The divorce of my parents.
Relationships are hard in any situation, you find flaws and irritations in one another that you have to both compromise to work through. But I guess its dependent on how strong you are as a couple, how compatible and how much you make each other grow and shine. So either people work or they crash. Crashing hurts for sure, a painful experience but one in the end usually works out for the best.
One thing I know for certain, the ending of a relationship is much more difficult when children are involved.
I watched my mum and dad fall out of love. Completely hate each other.
When I was 3 they separated for a short space of time but found their way back to one another.
When I was 6 it all officially ended. This I can remember as if it were last week. I remember the time of day, what myself, my sister and brother were wearing, where it was and how it went down. I can’t remember what was said but everything else, a clear unwanted memory which haunts me every time I think of it. I was 6, my sister 8 and my brother 10.
For my siblings, this day is blocked out but for some reason to which I’m unsure of, I’ve always remembered. Why can I remember it all so well, the youngest of us all? What is it about my mind that could never shake it out? Something I guess I’ll never really know, maybe just because.
Now there is a reason why I’m writing about such a thing; how much does this effect a child long term? How much of this causes mental health issues?
I am not going to sit here and point the finger blaming my parents for the depression I had two years ago, in my heart and mind I know the way everything has turned out works for the better. Seeing my parents happy brings me joy and I love them both and my step parents very, very much.
I can’t however ignore the fact it does cause me great sadness every time I think back to this day. I struggle to talk about it without getting upset or without going completely silent. It hurts me every single time my mind goes back to it, to certain arguments. I’m taken back to that 6 year old girl watching her mummy and daddy fall apart.
Before I met my partner I didn’t believe that love between two people actually existed. Before him I was unsure if I wanted marriage or children. I didn’t believe in any of it. I went through quick relationships knowing love would never be there. That it was just a word said not felt.
It is the hardest thing I went through as a child and probably the hardest thing of my life so far. I struggle to argue and I try hide myself away hearing others rowing in front of me. Back then most nights with my parents ended in argument, arguments I couldn't hide away from.
I’ve had a good life, I’ve been loved by all 4 of my parents. And I’m extremely lucky to say I have 4.
I just wish I could forget all I and we as a family went through. It took me a long time to stop crying. I hated leaving my dad in the home we grew up together in alone every other weekend. The Sundays we’d go back to mum I’d cry myself to sleep. I hated we weren’t as a family in our home. I hated seeing both my mum and dad cry. I hated seeing them in pain. Something I so wish I could let go of.
Seeing the people you love most hurting is a different level of hurt you go through yourself.
My mum and dad still have a love for each other and I guess that’s because they share the same love for my siblings and me. Everything in life happens for a reason and the reason for their relationship was us kids.
It does affect me today mentally but I see the positive in what it’s given me. How the divorce and my role models have made me the person I am today. It may be my anxiety and depression does breed a little from their divorce. When I came out of my depression I was able to pin point what made me sad and why but knowing this memory is scarred within me, without even realising it could have been the one of many reasons why.
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