I’ve been thinking about writing about an eating disorder for a while but couldn’t really figure out where to start? I guess there’s no better place to start than with me.
When I write, it’s about past experiences I’ve been through. I write openly about depression and anxiety because I’ve been through it. I write about the reasons why people get mentally ill because it’s why I had it or even why so many people close to me have it… so you guessed it, I went two years not wanting to eat.
My depression/anxiety and eating disorder all co-inside with each other; they all happened at the same time and came about for the same reasons. But why do people decide to stop eating, or want to be skinny?
I recently read a book called ‘The Choice’ which I’ve spoken lot about on Instagram (FYI if you get the chance to, read it, extremely inspiring!!) – The author, Edith Eger a survivor of Auschwitz, turned her experience and trauma into helping others and became a psychologist. Within the book, she talks about her clients and what condition they have and why. Interestingly, with teens and young adults usually their reason why is lack of attention and I don’t mean this in the attention seeking way as we know it but that when the mother and father both spoke with Dr Eger she focused her energy on the way the mum and dad were as a couple and as parents instead of asking questions about the daughter etc. The outcome is that the attention she was lacking was from her parents because they were having issues of their own which they were too self-involved in and couldn’t see the pain they were causing their daughter.
There are so many reasons why people choose to stop eating, the list would be endless. Someone may have body dysmorphia, they see all their flaws which others can’t; they think they have a really bad nose, so they want a nose job but no one else can see it. They think they’re fat, so they starve themselves and stop eating but no one else can see it. Unless you’re the person suffering you have absolutely no idea what is going on in their mind, you won’t be able to help them, you won’t be able to judge and decide for them why they’re doing it. There is no helping until they decide to help themselves.
Honestly I struggle to know the reason why I chose to not eat. It may have been for attention, it may have been the worry of getting fat but there is one thing I do know! I loved to dance, I was obsessed. I lived for dancing, I danced every single day, hours on end and then all of a sudden it stopped, this was one of the many reasons why I became depressed. However, once I stopped dancing this was when I chose to stop eating. I guess I didn’t want to lose my dancers body. I absolutely love the way a ballerina’s body looks, so angelic, graceful and all the cuts and bruises, the skinny physique. To me, I think it’s beautiful and artistic. I guess I never wanted to lose that.
I never forced myself to throw up but I limited myself to a no carb diet, only one main meal a day, breakfast was usually half a piece of toast, lunch a banana and dinner time whatever was put on my plate but I was always too ‘full’ for the carbs. I lied to my parents constantly saying I’d eaten a big lunch or late lunch. I have no idea if they believed me or not. If I ever ate more than I thought I should have done, I hated myself and refused to eat anything for the rest of the day or even the whole day after. I became crazy with what I could and couldn’t eat.
Once I became happy again, found new purpose and independence I started to eat more, slowly but surely I was coming back to my normal self. And now I can’t do anything with a proper breakfast and two full meals a day! I love food!
I don’t really know what to say to those still suffering or those with loved ones suffering – there is absolutely nothing you can do until you want to help yourself.
Ask yourself why you’re doing it and be honest! Take a step back and try looking at it as an outsider, in someone else’s shoes. If you’re the ones who are watching someone you love, think if there is anything you’re doing that contributes to it. Fill them with love and make them feel beautiful. Don’t force them to eat ever, don’t talk about their eating disorder and never ask them why. Point out all the things that make them beautiful. Focus their/your energy on all the good aspects of life.
“The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts”.
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